Break-Up Diary (Day 1)

Dreams.

Unsurprisingly, all the dreams were about reconciliation and finding excuses to come back together. Waking up to these... still felt a state of denial. And some emptiness in my heart chamber.

I thought I was only afraid of the dark, afraid of the darkness sucking up my positive energy and dumping me into a never-ending state of misery. But the day has gotten much worse than I have expected. It's definitely normal to start feeling the impact now, but there are so much to take in.

I held back my temptation from texting you, but still checking my WhatsApp from time to time; I changed all my profile pictures and removed featured photos from Facebook, in the attempt to build a strong barrier in my heart (despite it bleeding silently). It's so hard, so hard. I wonder how strong my will is, and how strong your will is as well, for us to resist texting each other.

I checked on you more than ever before. I have scrolled through every single post of yours on Facebook; I checked Instagram from time to time to see if there is an update on your InstaStory; I read back our lovely messages, again and again. I know I should delete them, but it's all too soon, and I need to be strong enough to do so. But not now, not now.

I can't stand the thought of you leading a loner's life. Eating alone. Travelling alone. Studying alone. Working alone. It's too much for you. And I feel so guilty and depressed as I can no longer be by your side. It's a point of no return, things will no longer be the same. I keep asking myself if there is gonna be a way around this, if there is any future for us. But deep down, we both know very well that carrying on with this relationship will only cause more harm than good. We shouldn't act on impulses, we shouldn't.

The sky has turned dark, and a night of misery awaits. I wonder how your day was, and if you will come home tonight. I do miss you, and I want to see you badly. But what is the best way, really? To see you and risk acting on emotions again, or lock myself up to prevent any further contact? Is friendship after break-up ever possible?

Break-up Diary (Day 0)

And so it happens. Like finally? I don't know; it happens a bit too soon. Now is definitely not the right timing to break up, although it's meant to happen anyway...

We thought it would be easy; when we reasoned with each other calmly, the feelings of isolation and longingness have not struck. I was pretty sure that I was in a state of denial during the conversation, as usual. And I heard you weeping in your room.

And then my insomnia came back. Of course, how would it be possible to feel completely calm and at ease?

I cried myself to sleep. At 5.30am.

At least temporarily

I'm thankful, that I have found the long lost self.
The self, who has been engulfed into the chaos of the world;
The self, who has been pulled into the turbulence of social classes and individualism;
The self, who has been immersed in emotional ups and downs...
For the whole 1.5 years.

At least temporarily, I'm fixed.
I fixed myself, with music (self) therapy.
A method which I have not been adopting for 2 years?

I thought I no longer have problems in life that could bring headaches.
How naive and impossible.
And so I thought I no longer have the ability to help myself:
To regulate my own emotional problems, to not lock onto someone else for support.
But tonight, I did it.

For an hour or so, the mess in my head was thrashed away, one by one.
For a moment or so, I broke myself away from the complicates of life.
For a brief second or so, I vividly visualized new dreams and goals.
I felt content, independent, stable, positive.
And I do not want to come back to reality.
At least temporarily.

Meditation or mindfulness practice does not apply to me.
Something that I have been trying to practice since the moment I left home.
But tonight, I finally found my emotional revenue -- this one.
Something which I have forgotten,
Something which I have not clung onto,
For so long.

At least temporarily,
I found my last revenue, my last resort.

At least for tonight,
I'm telling the world,
I PICKED MYSELF UP.

Selfish? Self-centered?
But if I don't help myself,
Who will?



The loud bangs and shatter outside of my room now remind me of those inconsiderate people living under the same roof.
I'm snapped back to reality.

And there it goes again.

The Hunter

It was a fairly green forest, 
With birds chirping and flying indigenously in the clear, blue sky.
The splashing of the waterfall voiced through the lush greenery,
While the sailfins were found chasing each other, happily ever after. 

Everything seemed perfectly fine and harmonious back then.

Suddenly an unfamiliar noise came audible throughout the forest.
Heavy footsteps were heard, and each thud was followed by the scraps of fragile leaves and cracks of broken branches.
A heavily loaded hunter marched through the muddy paths,
With eyes wandering left and right hunting for preys; up and down looking for better rewards.
The bow and arrows were forever ready in his hands, 
Preparing to shoot whenever a wild or vulnerable target appeared.

A bald eagle then soared through the sky where its cry cut through the horizon.
Alerted, the hunter picked up his bow and arrows,
And fired two aggressive shots onto the eagle.

But he missed. The eagle escaped. 

Cursing under his breath,
The hunter stormed ahead in anger and frustration.
With the metals of the arrowheads cluttering against each other,
The jingling voices sent chills to most inhabitants in the forest. 
The forest soon became deserted while all the animals hid in their respective hermitage.

The lapping of the water became more audible when the hunter paced nearer to the waterfall.
As he folded a banana leaf and spooned the water,
The flying fish attracted his attention. 
Not knowing the impending danger,
The innocent sailfins were still skipping and leaping on the water surface. 

With the piles of woods laid out neatly for the solo roasting party,
The hunter unleashed his spare shotgun and shot a handful of fish.

BANG! BANG!! BANG!!!

Smirking with satisfaction,
The fire blazed with hunger for the barbecue,
Chomping the hunter’s rewards and celebrating his success.

While the river turned calm and clear with the bloodstain being washed away by the jet stream,
The death tolls declared its insignificance to this pathetic world.  

Busy?

All the excitements and disappointments to be shared,
All kept, suppressed, and locked;
Deep down in my heart locker.

It has been so long since I last felt this kind of feeling.
Long, long ago,
Before I said goodbye to my single life.
It took me some time,
To finally be able to open up and share my feelings with you.

But you have turned me down. With the same excuse of being 'busy'.

My thoughts, my feelings,
Left unshared and unheard.

And they will be isolated, and kept locked in my heart chamber.

For this I will keep myself busy as well.
Busy.

Beauty in the eye of the beholder? I guess not

Today, he said something which totally caught me off guard. 

I have always known that he likes pretty girl. 

I have always known that my look is not up to his standard.

I have always known that he could be self-centered at times.

But,

What he said today really struck me hard.

Our conversation was happy and we chitchat as usual.

Until he happily wanna share with me his idea for the MVoice next year. 

He said he has an idea for his solo MV already.

And I was like, yeah that's great! Go ahead and share with me!

He said he wanted to sing a love song, and he wanted a girl in his MV.

And so I was happily anticipating, would that be me? ^_^

But before I answered the question implicitly,

Just within a split second,

He said he wanted to get a pretty girl in his MV.

And he asked me to guess who that was.

I was shocked.

And my heart sunk. 

But I still said the name of the girl out, acting normal.

Then he was so surprised and happy at the same time, asking why my guess could be so accurate. 

Then he continued bluffing about his superb idea. 

While my heart was already shattering.

I have lived so long and I have always been confident with my look.

Although I knew that I do not have outstanding facial features, nor to say a pretty face,

My ego has never been bothered by my look.

But today is the first time,

That my confidence was smashed just because of this factor.

Just because he felt that I was not qualified to be in his video.

Just because he felt that it would be a shame to have me in his video...

I wonder why did he not see the inner beauty of me.

I have done so much for him.

And at last it is all the external beauty that he looks for. 

My efforts, my love, my sacrifice,

All of these are not even eligible, not even enough to compensate a small degree of beauty that SHE possesses???! 

But who should I blame?

I proposed to him in the very first place.

He accepted me just to try it out. 

My feelings never count; my love never counts; my sacrifice never counts. 

All he want is just fame. 

Am I just an object?

Or a substitute of his future hot girlfriend?

There is always a possibility that he will ditch me one day.

I am not as valuable as I thought I was. 

Not anymore.  

Who says beauty is in the eye of the beholder?

I really was too naive to even believe that crap. 

But deep down, 

It hurts.

It really hurts... 

And it still hurts.