Break-Up Diary (Day 1)

Dreams.

Unsurprisingly, all the dreams were about reconciliation and finding excuses to come back together. Waking up to these... still felt a state of denial. And some emptiness in my heart chamber.

I thought I was only afraid of the dark, afraid of the darkness sucking up my positive energy and dumping me into a never-ending state of misery. But the day has gotten much worse than I have expected. It's definitely normal to start feeling the impact now, but there are so much to take in.

I held back my temptation from texting you, but still checking my WhatsApp from time to time; I changed all my profile pictures and removed featured photos from Facebook, in the attempt to build a strong barrier in my heart (despite it bleeding silently). It's so hard, so hard. I wonder how strong my will is, and how strong your will is as well, for us to resist texting each other.

I checked on you more than ever before. I have scrolled through every single post of yours on Facebook; I checked Instagram from time to time to see if there is an update on your InstaStory; I read back our lovely messages, again and again. I know I should delete them, but it's all too soon, and I need to be strong enough to do so. But not now, not now.

I can't stand the thought of you leading a loner's life. Eating alone. Travelling alone. Studying alone. Working alone. It's too much for you. And I feel so guilty and depressed as I can no longer be by your side. It's a point of no return, things will no longer be the same. I keep asking myself if there is gonna be a way around this, if there is any future for us. But deep down, we both know very well that carrying on with this relationship will only cause more harm than good. We shouldn't act on impulses, we shouldn't.

The sky has turned dark, and a night of misery awaits. I wonder how your day was, and if you will come home tonight. I do miss you, and I want to see you badly. But what is the best way, really? To see you and risk acting on emotions again, or lock myself up to prevent any further contact? Is friendship after break-up ever possible?

Break-up Diary (Day 0)

And so it happens. Like finally? I don't know; it happens a bit too soon. Now is definitely not the right timing to break up, although it's meant to happen anyway...

We thought it would be easy; when we reasoned with each other calmly, the feelings of isolation and longingness have not struck. I was pretty sure that I was in a state of denial during the conversation, as usual. And I heard you weeping in your room.

And then my insomnia came back. Of course, how would it be possible to feel completely calm and at ease?

I cried myself to sleep. At 5.30am.

At least temporarily

I'm thankful, that I have found the long lost self.
The self, who has been engulfed into the chaos of the world;
The self, who has been pulled into the turbulence of social classes and individualism;
The self, who has been immersed in emotional ups and downs...
For the whole 1.5 years.

At least temporarily, I'm fixed.
I fixed myself, with music (self) therapy.
A method which I have not been adopting for 2 years?

I thought I no longer have problems in life that could bring headaches.
How naive and impossible.
And so I thought I no longer have the ability to help myself:
To regulate my own emotional problems, to not lock onto someone else for support.
But tonight, I did it.

For an hour or so, the mess in my head was thrashed away, one by one.
For a moment or so, I broke myself away from the complicates of life.
For a brief second or so, I vividly visualized new dreams and goals.
I felt content, independent, stable, positive.
And I do not want to come back to reality.
At least temporarily.

Meditation or mindfulness practice does not apply to me.
Something that I have been trying to practice since the moment I left home.
But tonight, I finally found my emotional revenue -- this one.
Something which I have forgotten,
Something which I have not clung onto,
For so long.

At least temporarily,
I found my last revenue, my last resort.

At least for tonight,
I'm telling the world,
I PICKED MYSELF UP.

Selfish? Self-centered?
But if I don't help myself,
Who will?



The loud bangs and shatter outside of my room now remind me of those inconsiderate people living under the same roof.
I'm snapped back to reality.

And there it goes again.

The Hunter

It was a fairly green forest, 
With birds chirping and flying indigenously in the clear, blue sky.
The splashing of the waterfall voiced through the lush greenery,
While the sailfins were found chasing each other, happily ever after. 

Everything seemed perfectly fine and harmonious back then.

Suddenly an unfamiliar noise came audible throughout the forest.
Heavy footsteps were heard, and each thud was followed by the scraps of fragile leaves and cracks of broken branches.
A heavily loaded hunter marched through the muddy paths,
With eyes wandering left and right hunting for preys; up and down looking for better rewards.
The bow and arrows were forever ready in his hands, 
Preparing to shoot whenever a wild or vulnerable target appeared.

A bald eagle then soared through the sky where its cry cut through the horizon.
Alerted, the hunter picked up his bow and arrows,
And fired two aggressive shots onto the eagle.

But he missed. The eagle escaped. 

Cursing under his breath,
The hunter stormed ahead in anger and frustration.
With the metals of the arrowheads cluttering against each other,
The jingling voices sent chills to most inhabitants in the forest. 
The forest soon became deserted while all the animals hid in their respective hermitage.

The lapping of the water became more audible when the hunter paced nearer to the waterfall.
As he folded a banana leaf and spooned the water,
The flying fish attracted his attention. 
Not knowing the impending danger,
The innocent sailfins were still skipping and leaping on the water surface. 

With the piles of woods laid out neatly for the solo roasting party,
The hunter unleashed his spare shotgun and shot a handful of fish.

BANG! BANG!! BANG!!!

Smirking with satisfaction,
The fire blazed with hunger for the barbecue,
Chomping the hunter’s rewards and celebrating his success.

While the river turned calm and clear with the bloodstain being washed away by the jet stream,
The death tolls declared its insignificance to this pathetic world.  

Busy?

All the excitements and disappointments to be shared,
All kept, suppressed, and locked;
Deep down in my heart locker.

It has been so long since I last felt this kind of feeling.
Long, long ago,
Before I said goodbye to my single life.
It took me some time,
To finally be able to open up and share my feelings with you.

But you have turned me down. With the same excuse of being 'busy'.

My thoughts, my feelings,
Left unshared and unheard.

And they will be isolated, and kept locked in my heart chamber.

For this I will keep myself busy as well.
Busy.

Beauty in the eye of the beholder? I guess not

Today, he said something which totally caught me off guard. 

I have always known that he likes pretty girl. 

I have always known that my look is not up to his standard.

I have always known that he could be self-centered at times.

But,

What he said today really struck me hard.

Our conversation was happy and we chitchat as usual.

Until he happily wanna share with me his idea for the MVoice next year. 

He said he has an idea for his solo MV already.

And I was like, yeah that's great! Go ahead and share with me!

He said he wanted to sing a love song, and he wanted a girl in his MV.

And so I was happily anticipating, would that be me? ^_^

But before I answered the question implicitly,

Just within a split second,

He said he wanted to get a pretty girl in his MV.

And he asked me to guess who that was.

I was shocked.

And my heart sunk. 

But I still said the name of the girl out, acting normal.

Then he was so surprised and happy at the same time, asking why my guess could be so accurate. 

Then he continued bluffing about his superb idea. 

While my heart was already shattering.

I have lived so long and I have always been confident with my look.

Although I knew that I do not have outstanding facial features, nor to say a pretty face,

My ego has never been bothered by my look.

But today is the first time,

That my confidence was smashed just because of this factor.

Just because he felt that I was not qualified to be in his video.

Just because he felt that it would be a shame to have me in his video...

I wonder why did he not see the inner beauty of me.

I have done so much for him.

And at last it is all the external beauty that he looks for. 

My efforts, my love, my sacrifice,

All of these are not even eligible, not even enough to compensate a small degree of beauty that SHE possesses???! 

But who should I blame?

I proposed to him in the very first place.

He accepted me just to try it out. 

My feelings never count; my love never counts; my sacrifice never counts. 

All he want is just fame. 

Am I just an object?

Or a substitute of his future hot girlfriend?

There is always a possibility that he will ditch me one day.

I am not as valuable as I thought I was. 

Not anymore.  

Who says beauty is in the eye of the beholder?

I really was too naive to even believe that crap. 

But deep down, 

It hurts.

It really hurts... 

And it still hurts. 

not a loser

I feel like I have been poisoned.
Poisoned by those unknown feelings,
The mixture of fear, love, envy...and fear again.
I have not been myself since the winter break.
I have changed so much upon reaching the UK.
The once confident self is long gone;
And is now replaced with a people-pleaser, 
And the fear of doing nothing,
The fear of not being able to do anything right.

What the hell am I doing?

I have been staying in my comfort zone for almost a month.
I have no motivation to do work, to study.
It actually took me two weeks to complete a lab report.
I can't believe that I am being such a lazy person right now.
I know there are a lot to do, a lot to handle;
But I can't seem to bring myself up to do so.
I spend most of my free afternoon sleeping.
And whenever people call me up I will just join without second thoughts.

Is it all because of those feelings of the unknown?
For the guy whom I could have fallen into?
It all begins since I discovered my feelings towards him.
I feel that I am being attached to him,
And I feel insecure (and subsequently unproductive) without his companion.
I am not sure if this is all due to attachment, or I really have fallen into him.
And I am still trying to figure it out.

And there really are many types of people that I have come across here.
Which widens my knowledge and opens up my eyes.
And I tell myself to be cautious of these mummies.
The sort of people who would blind you with their innocence and enthusiasm,
Which you may or may not discover.
But the hardest part lies when you still have to face them with smiley face to mask your caution.
Because if they sense that you're cautious towards them, they will be more cautious with their next moves.
Until the right time to expose these fake masks, you have no other choice but to bear with it.
Yeah. Patience is gold.

Thanks to all these lovely lessons which have been messing around with my head.
The feeling of losing trust to people around you does not feel good at all.
But this is the adult world; it's no longer a child play.
You'd be the first one to be swiped off the ground, if you did not play the game wise.
Each move lays a possible risk, and it all depends upon you;
Whether you are sharp enough to detect em.

I do not aim to be the winner,
But I definitely will not be the loser.

Not the loser.

Faux pas

Walking and balancing on a piece of rotten wooden ply,
A vulnerable creature seemed struggling on a cry;
Millions of cats and dogs, owls and pigeons there flying in the sky,
Filling and throwing the world with pools of lies.

She looks back and forth then to the right,
Living in her confused confinement but a try;
Filling her empty heart with piles of lies,
She questions the world as to where the sanity lies...

It was once a beautiful and lovely world,
A world full of joy, happiness, and expectations;
The smart and charming Hedwig once kept fit and well-fed,
The fulfilled happiness with waves of longing and worthiness.
Exhaustion is always a result of the bear and rear,
But the overwhelmed feeling of excitement keeps them rare.

Since when did everything start changing?
The sky is no longer blue but grey.
Rain starts pouring down at ambiguous plays,
Wetting the pavements in an infinite landscape.
Sickness has then found its way to the prey,
And the realm of sadness strikes hard but the pray.

As the world gets colder it hails no mercy.
Pain wasn't unbearable but the discomfort was;
The knight has long left the deserted town,
While his men are still clinging hard to the impuissant pillars.
Much castles are built on the fragile grainy sand,
With the sheer lack of knowledge that they will soon be gone with the wind.

There they are, there she is.
Lost with the pride of setting everything right.
The harsh reality has set its foot and others have moved on.
She is then seen an isolated figure,
In the middle of the nowhere into the night,
Weighing between a lonely journey or the knight.

A moment of silence for the irreversible pay,
For the girl stands still at the intersected gates.
As the greatest weakness of mankind is to be afraid,
I ask myself if I truly am up for the play.

离乡背井前夕之感言

很快的，今晚很有可能是我在自己家里的被窝的最后一晚了。
去伦敦前的最后一晚了。
九个月的时间就这样过去了。真是说慢不慢，说快还真的是很快。

扪心自问，我真的准备好了吗？
准备好在一个人生地不熟的国家，生活了吗？

这会是一个很大的挑战，也会经历一个相当艰难的过程。

自己的宿舍比别人的远，和好友们的距离会不会因此疏远？
一个人在这间宿舍，在一个噪杂的小镇，谁都不认识，
我做得到吗？
我可不能像以前那般了，独自一人去自己想去的地方，
没约束自由自在的，想去哪儿就去哪儿，不需别人陪伴的生活。
接下来的日子可不大一样了。
虽然一直告诉自己防人之心不可无，要睁大眼睛看清楚人，
不过我真的还觉得自己很蠢，很容易被人戏弄一番后才后知后觉。
一开始在那儿到底该怎么办呢？女伴也只有一两个，而且都是不认识的。
可是却很需要大家的帮助。
向来不习惯也不喜欢请求别人帮助，最近却常常厚着脸皮低下头地主动出击。
偏偏是我最不想也最不喜欢做的事。
看来我这独来独往的性格真的需要做一些改变了。:/

去了那儿，生病是无可避免的。
食物到时候也会是个大问题。病了怎么能吃油腻和性热的西餐呢。
天气也会很不理想。病了还要在冷天中独自过活。
单想到这一点就让我更不想离开家。
再加上适应时差。那就更加难以想象了。

唉。

不过回想起来，我还是比一般人幸运得多了。
虽然以最好的朋友家人相隔多地，在这儿至少也还有认识的人。
住的不靠近，不过也不是说很远啊！就几十分钟的距离而已啊。
而且去那儿也会认识新朋友啊！
所以我在这儿还瞎担心什么呢？

相信这一切都是每个海外留学生都经历过的吧！
别人都克服得来，我就不行吗？
再加上现在的科技发达，又有视频通话的功能，
还怕什么啊？

好啦。我觉得我是时候放下一些不必要的担心了。
应该好好地享受外国生活！

…....................…....................…....................…....................….........

希望我的旅途顺畅，可以安全地抵达目的地。

也恳切希望公共服务局能尽快让我知道我的航班。希望一切照原定计划。

阿弥陀佛。

现在 · 过去

漫无目的地浏览不同的网站，
从自己的Facebook相册，到自己的Blog，到朋友的Blogs...
真是感叹时间的流逝。
从那乳臭未干的丫头到现在的成人阶段，
所面对的问题烦恼也日益增多。

发觉到自己开始关注起政治新闻。
真的会担心这个国家以后会变成什么样子。
而眼下最担忧的就是，
在这些闹得沸沸扬扬闻名国际的国家大事之中，
会不会有城门失火殃及池鱼的事情发生。
咱们的政府奖学金会否因此受影响？
咱们是否有机会圆这个出国留学梦？
虽说希望这些结果能还给人民一个公道，
但心里还是会有点自私地期待，
希望一切能恢复以往的忍辱吞声和平静。
不过，该发生的事情总会发生，也很快会发生。
自己长久以来的愿望是否能被实现也只有看命运了。

现在回想起来，
我也工作超过半年了。
最后一次拼死读书考试的日子显得好遥远。
这段日子以来，发觉到自己很没目标地过着每一天。
想当初刚刚入行的喜悦与期望，还有那参加瑜伽运动的热忱，
我渐渐地再也感觉不到...
它们已成为我在这几个月来培养的习惯。
就觉得自己变得懒散颓废了。
也是在这段时间，我开始联络回中学的好兄弟好姐妹们。
发觉到真的已经好久好久没与他们坐在一起说话聊天唱歌。
看来要守住这些远距离的友情并非易事，必须得有双方付出才行。

话说在学院的日子我真的是太注重自己的学业而差点失去了这班好友。
那段时间的我，因为学业上的压力而天天把自己埋在书里丝毫不放松；
也是在那段时间，我常常不自觉地质疑身边每一个人的心思，不相信任何人掏以的真心。
现在回想起当时迷失的自己， 真的有点恐怖。
偶尔翻回与好友们的旧照，想当初我们十分要好的那一幕幕...
但愿现在的我可以弥补这一切。
而我也因此立誓，
在大学时不会再为自己画上四方框子，不会再把自己关在阴暗的角落。
因为这段时间，我看清了：学业固然重要，但自身的健康与快乐也是并重的。

最后想问自己一句，是否过得快乐？

我想说，还好吧...

recent days, recent experiences, recent life-lessons

Recently, I have been catching up with friends from different states, different backgrounds;
And while I read back my personal statement and my biography, which were written a year or two ago,
I found myself to be fussing a lot, about my personal encounters and experiences.

Now I realize,
A more-than-lucky person I am, really.

Yes.
When there was this junior who approached me to find out how I have been doing,
While I was wondering what he has been doing after he transferred,
I just got to know that he has been exposed to many different environment and experiences.
I would have to admit, I have opened up my eyes to his amazing and challenging life journey.
From an ordinary school life, to monastic seclusion, to military training,
Which were none that he had missed,
I learnt a lot from his honourable past, and the torturous but meaningful present.
The type of suffer which civilians like me could never relate to;
Which makes me truly understand,
What makes a soldier tough, and what makes the minority to let go of humanity, to turn out as psychotics.
To perform something which is way beyond the maximum ability is something I can never imagine.
With that,
I admire the strength and will of this person (thumbs-up).

And then there is this friend of mine,
Who always expose himself to different types of challenges, volunteers and works,
To gain various experiences from different parts of the world.
All motivated, invested and contributed by himself.
To compare with him is as far apart as sky and sea.
While he was volunteering for works that suit his outspoken personality the most,
I was still a young innocent schoolgirl, who only knew striving for academic excellence.
And while I, at last, found a job that could polish my listening and counseling skills,
He has followed the biotech company that he currently works for to China,
To expand the market.
What my mentor said of him has been very true, as well as my impression towards him.
He is gonna be a very successful man.
For a person who is kind and honest, who does not mind sharing knowledge, who is very clear and focused on his goals,
I truly salute him for that.

While looking back at my previous daily entries as well as the biography that I have written,
I found myself to be really narrow-minded, shallow and unexposed.
No wonder my lecturer did not pay much attention to me in class even though I had performed so well. 
Because I was way too fussy.

I truly appreciate this long holiday,
That I have made full use of it, to make it meaningful everyday.
It's time to grow up and learn, to observe the realistic issues, to change my beliefs, to expose to challenges, to try out new things, to approach as many people as possible...
And most importantly, to gain life lessons and new experiences.
Yes, I should nourish myself with these exposure in order to prepare myself for London's life.

Well. 
Last but not least,
For those people who have been rude and ignorant,
It's really time for me to chill and let go.
If they ever ask for my help again,
Yes I'll still help for sure,
But perhaps, not as altruistic and helpful as before.
Because when people take you for granted, I really don't see the point anymore.
I shouldn't be too naive, as the saying goes, 
'Sometimes we have to be smart, to protect ourselves from being exploited'.

Yeah. 
Sadly among all the positivism, this is the minor issue that unmakes my days at times.
Well anyway, just let go.
And be happy with what I am having right now. :)

Random thoughts:
1. I don't see the point to lie in my blog.
2. I do not have any idea to compose a poem, even though I wanted to do it very much. :-/

眼泪的秘密

尋尋覓覓蝴蝶花上流離
年年月月若要走總要飛
蒼生是幾秒遊戲
相愛是不朽的隱秘
白費的 好一場旖旎

層層疊疊遺落幾段傳奇
離離合合沒你怎知我悲
當朝夕可以忘記
偏有時貪歡想起你
沒結果 仍回味至死

誰能及我驚天動地 連流淚都覺嫵媚
上輩子一早約你 今生重逢之地
誰人為我精彩預備 最痛的相愛別離
下輩子找得到你 思憶如棉絮飛
直到瀰漫天與地

平平淡淡無字寫下傳奇
遊遊蕩蕩沒你怎飛躍起
當今夕可以忘記
天再亮偏捨不得你
任世間 流傳是與非

門牆亦緊閉起 紮實拳頭去愛起
仍在指間走失不見你 沒餘地

誰能及我驚天動地 任背影開到荼蘼
這輩子感激有你 刺骨銷魂滋味
誰人是我一生夢寐 最美的相愛別離
下輩子找得到你 該可從頭愛起
讓我承受所有妒忌

默

忍不住化身一条固执的鱼，
逆着洋流独自游到底。
年少时候虔诚发过的誓，
沉默地沉没在深海里。

重温几次，
结局还是，
失去你。

我被爱判处终身孤寂，
不还手，不放手；
笔下画不玩的圆，
心间填不满的缘...

是你。

为何爱判处众生孤寂？
挣不脱，逃不过；
眉头解不开的结，
命中解不开的劫...

是你。

失去你，
我失去你...

Wear and tear

Here I am,
At the hilltop,
Holding up a bluish diamond in hand.
Glittering in the reflection of sunlight,
A glowing smile spreads across my face.
Pride, confidence, joy;
Rising to the height of the hill.

On my right are Angels and Samaritans,
Who hand me the diamond as a compliment, as a gift;
As an award, as a bonus.
The hands of the people raise high in the air,
Waving and cheering for my success.
I sweep my eyes across the crowd and find a few familiar faces.
Yeah, these are the ones.

Whilst on my left...

‪‬The crowd comprises of the Ruby-eyed's and Barbarians.
Their glares are constantly between the diamond and I,
And the crowd obviously outnumbers that on the right.
I wonder what they are up to.
Their hands raise high in the air too,
Flaming with the hunger and desire to pull me down.
I let my eyes wander cautiously across the crowd.
So many familiar and once friendly figures,
Which have now turned into zombies that long for my delicious flesh and appetizing brain.

I take a step closer to the left side crowd,
Trying to persuade and convince them,
That I did not cheat; that I did put in a lot of efforts.
That my success is a result of my payoff.
But the hungry hands are still high in the air,
Eager to tear my body apart.

Suddenly I slip beneath my feet.
There are chaos in the crowds of both side.
And I lose my balance.

Eventually,
The diamond falls into the hands of my supporters;
And I feel myself falling into the starving crowd...

Pah!

I am grabbed by thousands of hands,
With roars of evil laughters that signal their victory.
While I feel myself being ripped apart...
I slowly drift into a never-ending nightmare.

体病 - 心病

这么多年来，第一次病得那么糟糕吧...
已经差不多五天了，病情根本没有好转的现象...
连工作都得放掉了...
唉，这流行性感冒还真不简单！

再次回想起昨日，
虽然心里一直告诉自己不必再等了，
他肯定是忘记了，或是根本没去记得过；
但自己始终傻乎乎地，到今天还等待着他的祝福...
哪怕一句话也好，只要能看见他的名字...

真的，自己太傻太傻了吧？
人家根本就没把你放在心上，
你又何必去单恋得如此幸苦？
一直告诉自己放下，
但心里还是傻傻地捉住那个渺茫的希望之光，
期盼着一个不可能的将来。

看来，过了此事，
我在他心中的地位到底只有多少斤两，
应该很突显很明显了吧？
我，还要以怎样的方式去欺骗自己呢？

算了吧。放下他吧。
一个不值得等待的人。

也希望我的病，能快点好起来。
无法正常发音说话的感觉还真是辛苦。

晚安世界。

20th Big Day

So if you asked me, how is your 20th big day like?
I'll say,
Perhaps nothing special...
This is the only time, 
Where I did not have any celebration;
With family, or relatives, or friends, or colleagues.

So if you asked me, how do you feel?
I'll say,
Not much of surprises...
But reading through all the wishes from SMS, to Whatsapp, to Facebook,
The warmth fills my heart continuously for the whole day.
Even though some were just short messages,
But the messages were there, and I felt them.
So, I'm happy overall. ;)

So if you asked me, do you feel disappointed?
I'll say,
A little bit.
Because I still go unnoticed by this special someone.
As usual.
Have been asking myself to put him down and carry on,
But this process seems to take longer than usual.
And I wonder why.

Am I still waiting for miracle to happen?
Have I really fallen into him?
Does he have any idea on how I felt towards him while I've concealed it well?
I don't know.
Most of my diary's entries were about him,
And I wonder why I find it so hard to convince myself to put him down.

Yeah. The disappointment stays, of course.
And a little bit of relief --
A little bit of having myself convinced that I really should just let go and move on.

I hope I will get myself totally convinced for the next few months.
One of my birthday wishes of the year,
Even though I wished things could have gone the other way round...

But human beings always face conflicts and struggles, don't we?

So on this night of my big day,
I bid the world out there good night.

And I appreciate God for making me a living individual. :)

a long gone tale

Here comes the rain,
The heavy dots which wet the windows,
And wipe the pavement clean of dust.
Beating on the door as if a set of chords,
The musical tone adds to the callings of the frogs to their mates.

Staring out of the windowsill,
She sets into a path of reverie...

The once artistic room,
With a grand piano and two woody violins,
The song of the Secret Garden played flawlessly in the mist.
Three musicians were racing against time to create a tacit piece in the rehearsal,
For it should be the last unforgettable performance to the world before everyone split apart.

The long gone chamber is now vividly visible in her mind,
As she retrieves her manuscript book and reads her masterpiece.

Eager to start it all over again,
The fingers begin to run across the piano keys in a smooth flow.
Trying to recall and imagine the once magnificent scene,
The secondo sets hard in a solo voice without the primo voices by the two violinists.

It doesn't sound right!

Discontented,
She pulls back the white linen and closes the Yamaha.

The music has stopped.
While the rain no longer sweeps the road and the rainbow has turned up,
The view of the present is clear to her.

Yes,
The long gone tale should now be kept in the memory bank,
For it shall be something to treasure,
Something not to be forgotten...

And, 
Shall it be the final touch of inspiration,
In the new journey of life.

玻璃心

在喜怒哀乐里交错的交响乐，

一颗水晶球在空中盘旋；

黑白子蓝的蝴蝶裙在翩翩起舞，

汇聚着所有的光芒色彩。

而在一个无人察觉的灰暗远处，

一颗玻璃心在默默地流泪、淌血；

无人能了解的痛与恨，

正把已愈合的伤口重新打开。

为自己在过去中无法弥补的过错，

忏悔；

为自己在今日的造化与所作所为，

彷徨。

不久后的将来，

又会是什么样子？

在玻璃心的周围，

又会有多少蜜蜂、蝴蝶、树脂？

一段凄凉的琴声弑过天涯，

震撼了那颗脆弱的玻璃心；

伴随着的一个小小插曲，

正是玻璃心破碎的清澈之声。

璃璃碎片遍布寸草不生的土地，

角落中反映着银白色的月光；

而在星光点缀的黑夜，

世界恢复了以往的平静。

Ice Pond

Intro

Expressivo.
The music plays soft in the background,
The beautiful combination of string, brass and piano.
Echoing the valley as if a magical spell,
The stream of water in the mountain slowly freezes to ice.


Primo

Legato.
A pair of ballet dancers on the ice pond,
Gesturing gracefully and rhythmically on the ballet floor.
An obvious scene of their immersion in the beauty of the music,
And they never stop.


Secondo

Klangfarbenmelodie.
An artist with his painting kits,
Answers to the call of the ice pond.
The music is still playing.
Being another casted pawn,
He begins brushing across the blue crystal,
In a mess of pink, orange, crimson, violet, and indigo. 


Cadenza

Pizzicato.
A soloist with his grey viola joins the performers.
Without a bow, he begins plucking the strings,
Adding a mysterious Swan Lake rhythm to the existing spell.
Sensing the variation, 
The ballet dancers match their steps accordingly.
As the music gets energico...


Coda

Presto.
The ballet femme turns black.
With the spread of its black, magnificient wings,
She begins circling the ice pond with the blade pointing sharp to the ground.
Fouetté en tournant is now playing,
Spinning the magical atmosphere into a black hole.
The musician does not seem to realize it;
Fully possessed by the spell,
He continues playing aggressive chorus to bring the opera to the climax.


Finale

Descendo.
The Black Swan sores high towards the black hole,
And she lands hard on the ground when the wings are gone.
The ice pond begins breaking into pieces of ice bergs,
Splitting each performer far, far away.
The thinning of ice continues,
And the warm water beneath reaches them inches by inches.



The spell is breaking, and what if the beautiful music stops?
Everyone falls, of course.

 Ice Pond -- the mysterious song

"Beauty is but an illusion, in which the invisible power will attract the naive's and blind them from all the truths. 
Be wise, or you will fall into one of the mists, the darkness." 

honeymoon's over

The reality is, scary.
Who am I now?

I've been slipping away since the last holiday.
My motivation and perseverance, they're no longer there.
I wonder what has gotten into me.
I just can't seem to push myself.
The nervousness is still there, and it gets more intense when I realise that I do nothing at all.
But the thing is,
I just can't get myself started!

What is happening to me?
For this whole week I've done nothing at all,
Absolutely NOTHING at all.
I am slacking and slacking...
I really hope that I can start doing what I have to do tomorrow...
Piles of work, yes, piles of work.
So please get started Joey Loh.

Alright, honeymoon's over.
Time to gather up my mind and heart.
Just for another 2 months and that's it.

Yeah.
I can do it.
Please do it.