I feel like I have been poisoned.
Poisoned by those unknown feelings,
The mixture of fear, love, envy...and fear again.
I have not been myself since the winter break.
I have changed so much upon reaching the UK.
The once confident self is long gone;
And is now replaced with a people-pleaser,
And the fear of doing nothing,
The fear of not being able to do anything right.
What the hell am I doing?
I have been staying in my comfort zone for almost a month.
I have no motivation to do work, to study.
It actually took me two weeks to complete a lab report.
I can't believe that I am being such a lazy person right now.
I know there are a lot to do, a lot to handle;
But I can't seem to bring myself up to do so.
I spend most of my free afternoon sleeping.
And whenever people call me up I will just join without second thoughts.
Is it all because of those feelings of the unknown?
For the guy whom I could have fallen into?
It all begins since I discovered my feelings towards him.
I feel that I am being attached to him,
And I feel insecure (and subsequently unproductive) without his companion.
I am not sure if this is all due to attachment, or I really have fallen into him.
And I am still trying to figure it out.
And there really are many types of people that I have come across here.
Which widens my knowledge and opens up my eyes.
And I tell myself to be cautious of these mummies.
The sort of people who would blind you with their innocence and enthusiasm,
Which you may or may not discover.
But the hardest part lies when you still have to face them with smiley face to mask your caution.
Because if they sense that you're cautious towards them, they will be more cautious with their next moves.
Until the right time to expose these fake masks, you have no other choice but to bear with it.
Yeah. Patience is gold.
Thanks to all these lovely lessons which have been messing around with my head.
The feeling of losing trust to people around you does not feel good at all.
But this is the adult world; it's no longer a child play.
You'd be the first one to be swiped off the ground, if you did not play the game wise.
Each move lays a possible risk, and it all depends upon you;
Whether you are sharp enough to detect em.
I do not aim to be the winner,
But I definitely will not be the loser.
Not the loser.
23 January 2016
14 January 2016
Faux pas
Walking and balancing on a piece of rotten wooden ply,
A vulnerable creature seemed struggling on a cry;
Millions of cats and dogs, owls and pigeons there flying in the sky,
Filling and throwing the world with pools of lies.
She looks back and forth then to the right,
Living in her confused confinement but a try;
Filling her empty heart with piles of lies,
She questions the world as to where the sanity lies...
It was once a beautiful and lovely world,
A world full of joy, happiness, and expectations;
The smart and charming Hedwig once kept fit and well-fed,
The fulfilled happiness with waves of longing and worthiness.
Exhaustion is always a result of the bear and rear,
But the overwhelmed feeling of excitement keeps them rare.
Since when did everything start changing?
The sky is no longer blue but grey.
Rain starts pouring down at ambiguous plays,
Wetting the pavements in an infinite landscape.
Sickness has then found its way to the prey,
And the realm of sadness strikes hard but the pray.
As the world gets colder it hails no mercy.
Pain wasn't unbearable but the discomfort was;
The knight has long left the deserted town,
While his men are still clinging hard to the impuissant pillars.
Much castles are built on the fragile grainy sand,
With the sheer lack of knowledge that they will soon be gone with the wind.
There they are, there she is.
Lost with the pride of setting everything right.
The harsh reality has set its foot and others have moved on.
She is then seen an isolated figure,
In the middle of the nowhere into the night,
Weighing between a lonely journey or the knight.
A moment of silence for the irreversible pay,
For the girl stands still at the intersected gates.
As the greatest weakness of mankind is to be afraid,
I ask myself if I truly am up for the play.
A vulnerable creature seemed struggling on a cry;
Millions of cats and dogs, owls and pigeons there flying in the sky,
Filling and throwing the world with pools of lies.
She looks back and forth then to the right,
Living in her confused confinement but a try;
Filling her empty heart with piles of lies,
She questions the world as to where the sanity lies...
It was once a beautiful and lovely world,
A world full of joy, happiness, and expectations;
The smart and charming Hedwig once kept fit and well-fed,
The fulfilled happiness with waves of longing and worthiness.
Exhaustion is always a result of the bear and rear,
But the overwhelmed feeling of excitement keeps them rare.
Since when did everything start changing?
The sky is no longer blue but grey.
Rain starts pouring down at ambiguous plays,
Wetting the pavements in an infinite landscape.
Sickness has then found its way to the prey,
And the realm of sadness strikes hard but the pray.
As the world gets colder it hails no mercy.
Pain wasn't unbearable but the discomfort was;
The knight has long left the deserted town,
While his men are still clinging hard to the impuissant pillars.
Much castles are built on the fragile grainy sand,
With the sheer lack of knowledge that they will soon be gone with the wind.
There they are, there she is.
Lost with the pride of setting everything right.
The harsh reality has set its foot and others have moved on.
She is then seen an isolated figure,
In the middle of the nowhere into the night,
Weighing between a lonely journey or the knight.
A moment of silence for the irreversible pay,
For the girl stands still at the intersected gates.
As the greatest weakness of mankind is to be afraid,
I ask myself if I truly am up for the play.
17 September 2015
离乡背井前夕之感言
很快的，今晚很有可能是我在自己家里的被窝的最后一晚了。
去伦敦前的最后一晚了。
九个月的时间就这样过去了。真是说慢不慢，说快还真的是很快。
扪心自问，我真的准备好了吗？
准备好在一个人生地不熟的国家，生活了吗？
这会是一个很大的挑战，也会经历一个相当艰难的过程。
自己的宿舍比别人的远，和好友们的距离会不会因此疏远？
一个人在这间宿舍，在一个噪杂的小镇，谁都不认识，
我做得到吗？
我可不能像以前那般了，独自一人去自己想去的地方，
没约束自由自在的，想去哪儿就去哪儿，不需别人陪伴的生活。
接下来的日子可不大一样了。
虽然一直告诉自己防人之心不可无，要睁大眼睛看清楚人，
不过我真的还觉得自己很蠢，很容易被人戏弄一番后才后知后觉。
一开始在那儿到底该怎么办呢？女伴也只有一两个，而且都是不认识的。
可是却很需要大家的帮助。
向来不习惯也不喜欢请求别人帮助，最近却常常厚着脸皮低下头地主动出击。
偏偏是我最不想也最不喜欢做的事。
看来我这独来独往的性格真的需要做一些改变了。:/
去了那儿，生病是无可避免的。
食物到时候也会是个大问题。病了怎么能吃油腻和性热的西餐呢。
天气也会很不理想。病了还要在冷天中独自过活。
单想到这一点就让我更不想离开家。
再加上适应时差。那就更加难以想象了。
唉。
不过回想起来，我还是比一般人幸运得多了。
虽然以最好的朋友家人相隔多地，在这儿至少也还有认识的人。
住的不靠近，不过也不是说很远啊！就几十分钟的距离而已啊。
而且去那儿也会认识新朋友啊！
所以我在这儿还瞎担心什么呢？
相信这一切都是每个海外留学生都经历过的吧！
别人都克服得来，我就不行吗？
再加上现在的科技发达，又有视频通话的功能，
还怕什么啊？
好啦。我觉得我是时候放下一些不必要的担心了。
应该好好地享受外国生活！
…....................…....................…....................…....................….........
希望我的旅途顺畅，可以安全地抵达目的地。
也恳切希望公共服务局能尽快让我知道我的航班。希望一切照原定计划。
阿弥陀佛。
去伦敦前的最后一晚了。
九个月的时间就这样过去了。真是说慢不慢，说快还真的是很快。
扪心自问，我真的准备好了吗？
准备好在一个人生地不熟的国家，生活了吗？
这会是一个很大的挑战，也会经历一个相当艰难的过程。
自己的宿舍比别人的远，和好友们的距离会不会因此疏远？
一个人在这间宿舍，在一个噪杂的小镇，谁都不认识，
我做得到吗？
我可不能像以前那般了，独自一人去自己想去的地方，
没约束自由自在的，想去哪儿就去哪儿，不需别人陪伴的生活。
接下来的日子可不大一样了。
虽然一直告诉自己防人之心不可无，要睁大眼睛看清楚人，
不过我真的还觉得自己很蠢，很容易被人戏弄一番后才后知后觉。
一开始在那儿到底该怎么办呢？女伴也只有一两个，而且都是不认识的。
可是却很需要大家的帮助。
向来不习惯也不喜欢请求别人帮助，最近却常常厚着脸皮低下头地主动出击。
偏偏是我最不想也最不喜欢做的事。
看来我这独来独往的性格真的需要做一些改变了。:/
去了那儿，生病是无可避免的。
食物到时候也会是个大问题。病了怎么能吃油腻和性热的西餐呢。
天气也会很不理想。病了还要在冷天中独自过活。
单想到这一点就让我更不想离开家。
再加上适应时差。那就更加难以想象了。
唉。
不过回想起来，我还是比一般人幸运得多了。
虽然以最好的朋友家人相隔多地，在这儿至少也还有认识的人。
住的不靠近，不过也不是说很远啊！就几十分钟的距离而已啊。
而且去那儿也会认识新朋友啊！
所以我在这儿还瞎担心什么呢？
相信这一切都是每个海外留学生都经历过的吧！
别人都克服得来，我就不行吗？
再加上现在的科技发达，又有视频通话的功能，
还怕什么啊？
好啦。我觉得我是时候放下一些不必要的担心了。
应该好好地享受外国生活！
…....................…....................…....................…....................….........
希望我的旅途顺畅，可以安全地抵达目的地。
也恳切希望公共服务局能尽快让我知道我的航班。希望一切照原定计划。
阿弥陀佛。
07 July 2015
现在 · 过去
漫无目的地浏览不同的网站，
从自己的Facebook相册，到自己的Blog，到朋友的Blogs...
真是感叹时间的流逝。
从那乳臭未干的丫头到现在的成人阶段，
所面对的问题烦恼也日益增多。
发觉到自己开始关注起政治新闻。
真的会担心这个国家以后会变成什么样子。
而眼下最担忧的就是，
在这些闹得沸沸扬扬闻名国际的国家大事之中，
会不会有城门失火殃及池鱼的事情发生。
咱们的政府奖学金会否因此受影响？
咱们是否有机会圆这个出国留学梦？
虽说希望这些结果能还给人民一个公道，
但心里还是会有点自私地期待，
希望一切能恢复以往的忍辱吞声和平静。
不过，该发生的事情总会发生，也很快会发生。
自己长久以来的愿望是否能被实现也只有看命运了。
现在回想起来，
我也工作超过半年了。
最后一次拼死读书考试的日子显得好遥远。
这段日子以来，发觉到自己很没目标地过着每一天。
想当初刚刚入行的喜悦与期望，还有那参加瑜伽运动的热忱，
我渐渐地再也感觉不到...
它们已成为我在这几个月来培养的习惯。
就觉得自己变得懒散颓废了。
也是在这段时间，我开始联络回中学的好兄弟好姐妹们。
发觉到真的已经好久好久没与他们坐在一起说话聊天唱歌。
看来要守住这些远距离的友情并非易事，必须得有双方付出才行。
话说在学院的日子我真的是太注重自己的学业而差点失去了这班好友。
那段时间的我，因为学业上的压力而天天把自己埋在书里丝毫不放松；
也是在那段时间，我常常不自觉地质疑身边每一个人的心思，不相信任何人掏以的真心。
现在回想起当时迷失的自己， 真的有点恐怖。
偶尔翻回与好友们的旧照，想当初我们十分要好的那一幕幕...
但愿现在的我可以弥补这一切。
而我也因此立誓，
在大学时不会再为自己画上四方框子，不会再把自己关在阴暗的角落。
因为这段时间，我看清了：学业固然重要，但自身的健康与快乐也是并重的。
最后想问自己一句，是否过得快乐？
我想说，还好吧...
从自己的Facebook相册，到自己的Blog，到朋友的Blogs...
真是感叹时间的流逝。
从那乳臭未干的丫头到现在的成人阶段，
所面对的问题烦恼也日益增多。
发觉到自己开始关注起政治新闻。
真的会担心这个国家以后会变成什么样子。
而眼下最担忧的就是，
在这些闹得沸沸扬扬闻名国际的国家大事之中，
会不会有城门失火殃及池鱼的事情发生。
咱们的政府奖学金会否因此受影响？
咱们是否有机会圆这个出国留学梦？
虽说希望这些结果能还给人民一个公道，
但心里还是会有点自私地期待，
希望一切能恢复以往的忍辱吞声和平静。
不过，该发生的事情总会发生，也很快会发生。
自己长久以来的愿望是否能被实现也只有看命运了。
现在回想起来，
我也工作超过半年了。
最后一次拼死读书考试的日子显得好遥远。
这段日子以来，发觉到自己很没目标地过着每一天。
想当初刚刚入行的喜悦与期望，还有那参加瑜伽运动的热忱，
我渐渐地再也感觉不到...
它们已成为我在这几个月来培养的习惯。
就觉得自己变得懒散颓废了。
也是在这段时间，我开始联络回中学的好兄弟好姐妹们。
发觉到真的已经好久好久没与他们坐在一起说话聊天唱歌。
看来要守住这些远距离的友情并非易事，必须得有双方付出才行。
话说在学院的日子我真的是太注重自己的学业而差点失去了这班好友。
那段时间的我，因为学业上的压力而天天把自己埋在书里丝毫不放松；
也是在那段时间，我常常不自觉地质疑身边每一个人的心思，不相信任何人掏以的真心。
现在回想起当时迷失的自己， 真的有点恐怖。
偶尔翻回与好友们的旧照，想当初我们十分要好的那一幕幕...
但愿现在的我可以弥补这一切。
而我也因此立誓，
在大学时不会再为自己画上四方框子，不会再把自己关在阴暗的角落。
因为这段时间，我看清了：学业固然重要，但自身的健康与快乐也是并重的。
最后想问自己一句，是否过得快乐？
我想说，还好吧...
25 May 2015
recent days, recent experiences, recent life-lessons
Recently, I have been catching up with friends from different states, different backgrounds;
And while I read back my personal statement and my biography, which were written a year or two ago,
I found myself to be fussing a lot, about my personal encounters and experiences.
Now I realize,
A more-than-lucky person I am, really.
Yes.
When there was this junior who approached me to find out how I have been doing,
While I was wondering what he has been doing after he transferred,
I just got to know that he has been exposed to many different environment and experiences.
I would have to admit, I have opened up my eyes to his amazing and challenging life journey.
From an ordinary school life, to monastic seclusion, to military training,
Which were none that he had missed,
I learnt a lot from his honourable past, and the torturous but meaningful present.
The type of suffer which civilians like me could never relate to;
Which makes me truly understand,
What makes a soldier tough, and what makes the minority to let go of humanity, to turn out as psychotics.
To perform something which is way beyond the maximum ability is something I can never imagine.
With that,
I admire the strength and will of this person (thumbs-up).
And then there is this friend of mine,
Who always expose himself to different types of challenges, volunteers and works,
To gain various experiences from different parts of the world.
All motivated, invested and contributed by himself.
To compare with him is as far apart as sky and sea.
While he was volunteering for works that suit his outspoken personality the most,
I was still a young innocent schoolgirl, who only knew striving for academic excellence.
And while I, at last, found a job that could polish my listening and counseling skills,
He has followed the biotech company that he currently works for to China,
To expand the market.
What my mentor said of him has been very true, as well as my impression towards him.
He is gonna be a very successful man.
For a person who is kind and honest, who does not mind sharing knowledge, who is very clear and focused on his goals,
I truly salute him for that.
While looking back at my previous daily entries as well as the biography that I have written,
I found myself to be really narrow-minded, shallow and unexposed.
No wonder my lecturer did not pay much attention to me in class even though I had performed so well.
Because I was way too fussy.
I truly appreciate this long holiday,
That I have made full use of it, to make it meaningful everyday.
It's time to grow up and learn, to observe the realistic issues, to change my beliefs, to expose to challenges, to try out new things, to approach as many people as possible...
And most importantly, to gain life lessons and new experiences.
Yes, I should nourish myself with these exposure in order to prepare myself for London's life.
Well.
Last but not least,
For those people who have been rude and ignorant,
It's really time for me to chill and let go.
If they ever ask for my help again,
Yes I'll still help for sure,
But perhaps, not as altruistic and helpful as before.
Because when people take you for granted, I really don't see the point anymore.
I shouldn't be too naive, as the saying goes,
'Sometimes we have to be smart, to protect ourselves from being exploited'.
Yeah.
Sadly among all the positivism, this is the minor issue that unmakes my days at times.
Well anyway, just let go.
And be happy with what I am having right now. :)
Random thoughts:
1. I don't see the point to lie in my blog.
2. I do not have any idea to compose a poem, even though I wanted to do it very much. :-/
And while I read back my personal statement and my biography, which were written a year or two ago,
I found myself to be fussing a lot, about my personal encounters and experiences.
Now I realize,
A more-than-lucky person I am, really.
Yes.
When there was this junior who approached me to find out how I have been doing,
While I was wondering what he has been doing after he transferred,
I just got to know that he has been exposed to many different environment and experiences.
I would have to admit, I have opened up my eyes to his amazing and challenging life journey.
From an ordinary school life, to monastic seclusion, to military training,
Which were none that he had missed,
I learnt a lot from his honourable past, and the torturous but meaningful present.
The type of suffer which civilians like me could never relate to;
Which makes me truly understand,
What makes a soldier tough, and what makes the minority to let go of humanity, to turn out as psychotics.
To perform something which is way beyond the maximum ability is something I can never imagine.
With that,
I admire the strength and will of this person (thumbs-up).
And then there is this friend of mine,
Who always expose himself to different types of challenges, volunteers and works,
To gain various experiences from different parts of the world.
All motivated, invested and contributed by himself.
To compare with him is as far apart as sky and sea.
While he was volunteering for works that suit his outspoken personality the most,
I was still a young innocent schoolgirl, who only knew striving for academic excellence.
And while I, at last, found a job that could polish my listening and counseling skills,
He has followed the biotech company that he currently works for to China,
To expand the market.
What my mentor said of him has been very true, as well as my impression towards him.
He is gonna be a very successful man.
For a person who is kind and honest, who does not mind sharing knowledge, who is very clear and focused on his goals,
I truly salute him for that.
While looking back at my previous daily entries as well as the biography that I have written,
I found myself to be really narrow-minded, shallow and unexposed.
No wonder my lecturer did not pay much attention to me in class even though I had performed so well.
Because I was way too fussy.
I truly appreciate this long holiday,
That I have made full use of it, to make it meaningful everyday.
It's time to grow up and learn, to observe the realistic issues, to change my beliefs, to expose to challenges, to try out new things, to approach as many people as possible...
And most importantly, to gain life lessons and new experiences.
Yes, I should nourish myself with these exposure in order to prepare myself for London's life.
Well.
Last but not least,
For those people who have been rude and ignorant,
It's really time for me to chill and let go.
If they ever ask for my help again,
Yes I'll still help for sure,
But perhaps, not as altruistic and helpful as before.
Because when people take you for granted, I really don't see the point anymore.
I shouldn't be too naive, as the saying goes,
'Sometimes we have to be smart, to protect ourselves from being exploited'.
Yeah.
Sadly among all the positivism, this is the minor issue that unmakes my days at times.
Well anyway, just let go.
And be happy with what I am having right now. :)
Random thoughts:
1. I don't see the point to lie in my blog.
2. I do not have any idea to compose a poem, even though I wanted to do it very much. :-/
眼泪的秘密
尋尋覓覓蝴蝶花上流離
年年月月若要走總要飛
蒼生是幾秒遊戲
相愛是不朽的隱秘
白費的 好一場旖旎
層層疊疊遺落幾段傳奇
離離合合沒你怎知我悲
當朝夕可以忘記
偏有時貪歡想起你
沒結果 仍回味至死
誰能及我驚天動地 連流淚都覺嫵媚
上輩子一早約你 今生重逢之地
誰人為我精彩預備 最痛的相愛別離
下輩子找得到你 思憶如棉絮飛
直到瀰漫天與地
平平淡淡無字寫下傳奇
遊遊蕩蕩沒你怎飛躍起
當今夕可以忘記
天再亮偏捨不得你
任世間 流傳是與非
門牆亦緊閉起 紮實拳頭去愛起
仍在指間走失不見你 沒餘地
誰能及我驚天動地 任背影開到荼蘼
這輩子感激有你 刺骨銷魂滋味
誰人是我一生夢寐 最美的相愛別離
下輩子找得到你 該可從頭愛起
讓我承受所有妒忌
年年月月若要走總要飛
蒼生是幾秒遊戲
相愛是不朽的隱秘
白費的 好一場旖旎
層層疊疊遺落幾段傳奇
離離合合沒你怎知我悲
當朝夕可以忘記
偏有時貪歡想起你
沒結果 仍回味至死
誰能及我驚天動地 連流淚都覺嫵媚
上輩子一早約你 今生重逢之地
誰人為我精彩預備 最痛的相愛別離
下輩子找得到你 思憶如棉絮飛
直到瀰漫天與地
平平淡淡無字寫下傳奇
遊遊蕩蕩沒你怎飛躍起
當今夕可以忘記
天再亮偏捨不得你
任世間 流傳是與非
門牆亦緊閉起 紮實拳頭去愛起
仍在指間走失不見你 沒餘地
誰能及我驚天動地 任背影開到荼蘼
這輩子感激有你 刺骨銷魂滋味
誰人是我一生夢寐 最美的相愛別離
下輩子找得到你 該可從頭愛起
讓我承受所有妒忌
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