~silliness~

Where shall I start with? Ok let’s just start it here.

My silliness that I’m going to talk about is more of my emotion and feelings part. Not a very interesting topic to talk about, but I just feel like speaking out here.

Sincerely, I don’t know, whether I’m in love with this guy or not. I keep telling myself that I’m not, I’m not. But things always turn out in opposition. Let’s take an example. I used to message with this guy, and whenever I didn’t get his reply, I got mad. Not really mad, but just feel like…sort of depressed. Maybe I’m just concerned about him? Or is there more of it? I don’t know, and I’m analyzing.

Sometimes this feeling can be really funny. Let’s suppose I really am in love with this guy, I’ll find myself struggling hard not to think of him, not to talk too much to him… and when his message comes, I’ll still read it and reply, and wait and wait and wait… when I don’t get his reply, I’ll be thinking of many possibilities: Is he getting irritated? Is he feeling annoyed? Does he know about my feelings? etc. Then I’ll try to shut my mind down, and try to take it easily… Silly, eh??

Whenever I offer him help, yes he does show appreciation. But else, I always feel that my help is never going to be enough compared to the favors he offered me. Not much that he’d given me, and not less that I’d given him. I don’t know, and I always have this question in mind: Can helps and favors be counted in number? Yeah that’s totally a silly question, but I just can’t find an answer.

If I have no feelings toward him, how come I’ll be so jealous when I got to know that he has female contacts? I wanted to be the only one, but then I know I can’t have this kind of thought, that’s a very selfish action. But this feeling always fades away fast, so I wonder again… Am I really in a total silliness?

Whenever I get fed up with him, I’ll rehearse a lot of things in my mind. Cold response, don’t wanna bother him… But when his explaination comes, no matter how unreasonable it is, and even though I know that it’s just an excuse, my anger faded. What kind of feeling is this??

I planned, that in this holiday, I’ll heal my pain, calm my feeling about him, and so and so. Yes I did succeed, I occupied myself with some other things, and I didn’t text him for two days! But after that when I received his message, all my efforts wasted. Not all, in fact I really felt that I could calm myself down and not with any overwhelming feelings towards that. I didn’t miss him, but I was looking forward to meet him. Oh my gosh what kind of person I am now??

So, a simple conclusion: I’m in total silliness. And I hope you enjoy reading this. XD