what is left, between us?

the ripple of waves,
fierce and roaring waves,
surged through me like a never-ending shove,
immersing me into...
joy? impressed?
yeah that was BEFORE i came back home.
my good mood from The Hunger Games,
was totally spoilt,
in replacement with,
waves and waves of anger,
and most of all,
disappointment...

i always try to break the barrier between the both of us,
but why,
do you always want to thicken it?
you always say,
you're envious of seeing the close relationship between your comrade and her daughter,
but do you ever think of a WHY?
WHY are we so courteous to each other?
WHY are we like complete strangers?
WHY can't we be like them?
WHY can't we be friends?
WHY can't we share problems?
and WHY,
do we never feel awkward,
when we sit in the same car,
and let only silence fills the space???

of course,
this only comes out when you're in a GOOD mood.

"can i... can i go watch movie with my friends tomorrow?"
i asked cautiously.
very, very cautiously,
as i knew what would be your next response.

"Don't ask for my permission. Go wherever you want to go. Better go to CS, there got more baddies."

that's your reply,
the worst ever.
so cold that i couldn't believe my ears.
even till now,
i still can't believe that you had actually said that to me.

10 minutes later,
only you 'softened' down your voice,
and pretended as if you really were concerned about my safety.

but once the water is spilled,
can you ever keep it back to the pail again???

but i don't know why,
i always can't bear my tears in front of you,
i always am the weak one.
the one who started twitching before i could shout out my too-much thoughts to you.

i didn't want to raise any arguments,
i never wanted to.

therefore the only thing i could do,
was endure.
endured as much pain as i could and hold myself back from shouting at you,
and let alone my heart,
screaming in rage.

i thought you permitted me in the morning,
but why,
did you change your mind so fast,
when i reached back home from the cinema???
why did you keep throwing me with cold stares???
the look with blazing fire and unspeakable hatred,
the look that would have killed a tiger in front of you???
why did you ever say that you wish i was NEVER born???
why did you...why did you behave like this???

i understand you have been through a lot of things recently,
that's why i've rejected so many offers of outing.
even this time,
i thought of the best plan,
just to make everything more convenient,
just to make you convinced that i actually wasn't so immature and being irrespective to you.
i went out with friends,
just once in a while,
ONCE IN A WHILE!!!!!!!!!!
and i just want to watch this movie,
JUST ONE MOVIE!!!!!!!!
WHY DID YOU HAVE TO THROW ME WITH BUCKETS AND BUCKETS OF COLD WATER????????

i was trying to be understanding,
i was trying hard not to fight back when you accused me of NOTHING again and again,
i was trying not to cry in front of you when the pain stabbed,
but did you ever realise that??????

i remained silent and walked away before my tears dropped,
and you thought i was angry and wanna sabotage with you,
then started shouting bad words behind me,
so loudly that every neighbour had heard that,
and thought i was such an asshole,
who only knew how to hurt her mum,
who only knew how to oppose her mum's wills.

in fact it wasn't so!!!

why do i always ask for your permission at the last minute???
because i'm scared,
i'm scared of your response,
i'm scared of raising anymore unhappy and furious atmosphere,
i'm scared,
of everything......

i don't want to say this,
nor that i want to accept this.
but truthfully,
this HOME,
is only a place for my shelter... ...

there are too many misunderstandings between us,
because i no longer can communicate with you...
nope,
we NEVER had communicated since long time ago... ...

i really don't know what's left between us,
other than invisible love,
and unspeakable fear... ... ... ...