the time machine

The green has long been replaced by the gray;
The trees have long been replaced by the concretes.
The weight of the calenders have been decreasing and increasing fast enough;
The ticking of the clock has been running through each digit for a thousand times.

Looking back in the past,
Those memorable camps, choir moments, prefect's duties, friends' outings, secret crushes...
All seem so near, but yet so far away from my grip.
Those scenes can only be replayed in my mind,
Constantly circulating like a never-ending videotape,
Quick but unclear like retrospective images.
It's never possible to go back to the old times again,
Although I'm still trying to stay young.

Suddenly thought of this one and only guy whom I'd totally fallen head over heels with...
I wonder how he's doing?
After the last letter of proposal and that was the last time we saw each other.
When would we ever meet again?
And suddenly I am amazed and amused with my courage,
To go after this guy and propose to him.
Driven by desperation at the time it seemed.
And then there were those ups and downs in the relationship with another guy,
Whom I've always felt and still feel sorry and guilty to.
I seriously should not have fallen into it,
To use his feelings towards me to forget the other one.
If not because of my emotional decision...a lot of things might have changed, and a lot of things might not have happened.
I might not have hurt so many people who had cared for me.

And yeah,
It has been 2 years since all those incidents happened.
And finally after these 2 years, 
I no longer escape and I'm ready to write 'em out and share 'em on the blog.
Thank you, S, for making my life wonderful and inspiring me to take up poetry (suddenly realise that I've not been practising it since we lost contact with each other);
Thank you, H, for bearing with my instability and being there with much warmth whenever I fell (and I am really sorry for hurting you so badly).

But well,
Sometimes the greatest messages come out of the greatest messes.
I've learnt to deal with my emotions; I've grown.
Let the past makes you better, not bitter.

Yep. That's it for tonight. :)