Break-Up Diary (Day 1)

Dreams.

Unsurprisingly, all the dreams were about reconciliation and finding excuses to come back together. Waking up to these... still felt a state of denial. And some emptiness in my heart chamber.

I thought I was only afraid of the dark, afraid of the darkness sucking up my positive energy and dumping me into a never-ending state of misery. But the day has gotten much worse than I have expected. It's definitely normal to start feeling the impact now, but there are so much to take in.

I held back my temptation from texting you, but still checking my WhatsApp from time to time; I changed all my profile pictures and removed featured photos from Facebook, in the attempt to build a strong barrier in my heart (despite it bleeding silently). It's so hard, so hard. I wonder how strong my will is, and how strong your will is as well, for us to resist texting each other.

I checked on you more than ever before. I have scrolled through every single post of yours on Facebook; I checked Instagram from time to time to see if there is an update on your InstaStory; I read back our lovely messages, again and again. I know I should delete them, but it's all too soon, and I need to be strong enough to do so. But not now, not now.

I can't stand the thought of you leading a loner's life. Eating alone. Travelling alone. Studying alone. Working alone. It's too much for you. And I feel so guilty and depressed as I can no longer be by your side. It's a point of no return, things will no longer be the same. I keep asking myself if there is gonna be a way around this, if there is any future for us. But deep down, we both know very well that carrying on with this relationship will only cause more harm than good. We shouldn't act on impulses, we shouldn't.

The sky has turned dark, and a night of misery awaits. I wonder how your day was, and if you will come home tonight. I do miss you, and I want to see you badly. But what is the best way, really? To see you and risk acting on emotions again, or lock myself up to prevent any further contact? Is friendship after break-up ever possible?