not a loser

I feel like I have been poisoned.
Poisoned by those unknown feelings,
The mixture of fear, love, envy...and fear again.
I have not been myself since the winter break.
I have changed so much upon reaching the UK.
The once confident self is long gone;
And is now replaced with a people-pleaser, 
And the fear of doing nothing,
The fear of not being able to do anything right.

What the hell am I doing?

I have been staying in my comfort zone for almost a month.
I have no motivation to do work, to study.
It actually took me two weeks to complete a lab report.
I can't believe that I am being such a lazy person right now.
I know there are a lot to do, a lot to handle;
But I can't seem to bring myself up to do so.
I spend most of my free afternoon sleeping.
And whenever people call me up I will just join without second thoughts.

Is it all because of those feelings of the unknown?
For the guy whom I could have fallen into?
It all begins since I discovered my feelings towards him.
I feel that I am being attached to him,
And I feel insecure (and subsequently unproductive) without his companion.
I am not sure if this is all due to attachment, or I really have fallen into him.
And I am still trying to figure it out.

And there really are many types of people that I have come across here.
Which widens my knowledge and opens up my eyes.
And I tell myself to be cautious of these mummies.
The sort of people who would blind you with their innocence and enthusiasm,
Which you may or may not discover.
But the hardest part lies when you still have to face them with smiley face to mask your caution.
Because if they sense that you're cautious towards them, they will be more cautious with their next moves.
Until the right time to expose these fake masks, you have no other choice but to bear with it.
Yeah. Patience is gold.

Thanks to all these lovely lessons which have been messing around with my head.
The feeling of losing trust to people around you does not feel good at all.
But this is the adult world; it's no longer a child play.
You'd be the first one to be swiped off the ground, if you did not play the game wise.
Each move lays a possible risk, and it all depends upon you;
Whether you are sharp enough to detect em.

I do not aim to be the winner,
But I definitely will not be the loser.

Not the loser.